Fruit Flavors Are (Usually) Safe

This morning, I could not resist a muffin. The muffins were there, and they called to me with the siren song of the muffin people. The siren song goes something like this:

“I am delicious.
You should eat me.
You are hungry.
I will sate thee.”

So I ate a muffin. I mean, I know that was a mistake. I shouldn’t eat before noon on a normal day, because my stomach apparently likes to sleep at least four hours later than I do, but in my defense: muffins. And not just any muffins. Bran muffins. My favorite kind of muffins. I had to pick the raisins out, though. Raisins are dangerous.

Anyway, it was a mistake, though at least the cramps have remained relatively mild. So I’m still stuck with baby food for lunch. Today’s first offering is Earth’s Best Peach Mango.

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Man, what is with this company and babies with watering cans? I just don’t think that’s an appropriate toy for someone still in diapers. Anyway, peaches and mangoes! That’s a winning flavor combination if I ever heard one. They’re even the same color.

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This stuff looks and smells exactly how you’d think a mixture of peaches and mangoes would look and smell, and it tastes like slightly watery mango juice. It’s not amazing, but it’s pretty good. 4 out of 5 stars.

Still hungry, of course, so let’s try another one! This one is a new brand, one called Happytot. They make a line of organic superfoods for babies, because even babies are not immune from idiotic American dietary trends.

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This one is flavored Blueberry, Pear & Beet, but it also contains something called Salba the SUPER Chia, which sounds like a super hero that looks like a chia pet. I was suspicious of this flavor, because fruits and veggie combos are seldom pleasant.

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I was even more alarmed when I saw that it looked like a weird, grainy, brown paste, but it smelled okay. Surprisingly, this shit is delicious. It tastes like a fruit-flavored cream of wheat, and the grainy texture is actually somewhat pleasant, because it makes me feel like I’m eating real food. I’d totally eat this one again. 5 out of 5.

 

 

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