Comforts for Baby Taste Surprisingly Comfortable

I’m happy to report that other people are now buying me baby food, which is awesome. This is mostly awesome because I’m an AmeriCorps member and a teacher, so I consequently like free food, but this is also a great way to see how good my friends are. Do I know people who will buy me baby food that they actually think might be delicious, or do they wish to see me suffer for their own amusement?

My roommate seems to have found me some food that they actually thought might be delicious. Also, this is a new brand, so that’s always exciting. So today’s offering is Comforts for Baby Banana Blueberry Oatmeal.

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So on paper, this sounds pretty Goddamn delicious. Blueberry oatmeal is my favorite flavor of oatmeal, and blueberries and bananas go together brilliantly. Also, the label has an adorable, sleepy bee on it. That’s pretty great! Who doesn’t like bees? I’m really not sure how bees are related to babies, other than the fact that both words begin with the letter B, but whatever. This one should be a winner, right?

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It’s about the color one would expect oatmeal to be, and it smells like tasty bananas. And, contrary to my cautious skepticism, it is REALLY GOOD. I was sad when I finished it. Good job, roommate! 5 out of 5 stars.

Next up, Comforts for Baby Sweet Potato & Apple.

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I’ve already encountered an apple/sweet potato combination under the Gerber banner that was pretty good, so I had high hopes for this one.

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It looks, smells, and tastes like cinnamon applesauce. By no means is it unpleasant; it’s actually quite palatable. However, I feel that the Gerber Apple & Sweet Potato had a stronger sweet potato taste, so I think I prefer it slightly. Still, this one is still tasty! 4.5 out of 5 stars.

Super Adult Hippie “Baby Food”Super Greens Go!

So in my head, I picture a terribly-dubbed anime about health food called Super Adult Hippie “Baby Food”Super Greens Go! in which a team of super hero health food junkies save the world from wacky monsters based on popular junk foods.

My imagination is sometimes a silly place.

There are a lot of foods marketed towards adults that are essentially baby food. Case in point, those weird fruit pouches marketed to busy grownups who are ostensibly too busy to eat an entire apple. I don’t understand why people would willingly choose to go with eating pureed food, but whatever. Perhaps we are all inevitably headed towards soylent green-style astronaut food and we’d better get used to it.

Anyway, today I’m sampling some adult-type food which is basically the same thing as baby food just in a bigger package and with more sophisticated-looking marketing.

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Here we have Le Grand Super Greens Soup, which proudly proclaims itself to be both vegan and dairy-free, just in case you don’t know what the word “vegan” means. I found this stuff at Costco, and I thought, “What the hell. It’s cheap and I need to eat more pureed veggies. It’s got to be better than baby food.”

I became slightly less certain of this when I squeezed it out of its pouch and into my bowl.

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Well, damn. That looks…man, there’s no other way to put this, that looks like baby shit. It looks like I fed a baby some pureed spinach and then let it poop into my bowl. It doesn’t smell much better. It smells like asparagus and feet. Well. Maybe it will look more appetizing once I heat it up?

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At least after applying four minutes of micro radiation, it now looks like something approaching a soup. But the taste…it tastes kind of like pea soup, which I hate, and which is odd, because it contains no actual peas. There’s a weird broccoli aftertaste, followed by a breath of bitter kale. It’s really…not great. Also, it turns out to not be completely pureed, either; there are bits of yellow carrot floating around in there. While it’s nice to have something to chew, I’m hoping it doesn’t piss off my irrational stomach. I was able to make it somewhat palatable by throwing in a great deal of pepper and garlic salt, but it doesn’t really cover the unpleasantly strong BROCCOLI!! taste sensation. I’m so…glad…that this came in a convenient two-pack. I have so much left to suffer through eat. 2.5 out of 5 stars.