Plum Organics Is So Hip, They Use Veggies You Probably Haven’t Heard Of

Over the course of my not inconsiderable baby food-eating experiences, I have noticed a pattern. The older the baby that the food is marketed towards, the less like ass it tastes. Let’s see if tonight’s offering conforms to that pattern.

Tonight I shall sup upon Plum Organics Mighty Delicious! Veggie in Spinach, Parsnip, Grape, and Amaranth. G-dang, ya’ll, that’s a lot of disparate things that you shoved in your giant factory blender.

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What the hell even is an amaranth? Google! Share thy wisdom!

Oh, it’s a kind of grain. Okay. Well, that shouldn’t taste too bad. Probably.

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But, uh, it looks pretty bad. It looks like poop. It absolutely looks like poop. It smells kind of like grape applesauce. At first it tastes pretty good, strongly of parsnip, then of grape. But then my mouth is assaulted with a mighty taste of SPINACH! So. Kinda gross in the end.

Still, for half of the time it’s in my mouth, it tastes pretty okay. Two and a half out of five stars.

Calling Your Food “Happy Baby” Seems Presumptive to Me

Well, it’s opening week of the play I’m in right now, which means a daytime liquid diet to prevent onstage stomach cramps. I stocked up on baby food last week in preparation.

So here’s my dinner prior to tonight’s dress rehearsal: HappyBaby Organics Clearly Crafted Carrots, Strawberries & Chickpeas.

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So first off, that’s a really long name for a food. Secondly, this is a highly dubious-sounding flavor combination. When I think “chickpeas” I think “hummus,” and when I think “hummus” I do not think “strawberries.” Thirdly, what the hell does “clearly crafted” even mean?

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Oh, it’s helpfully explained on the back of the package. So tonight I will be consuming one carrot, three strawberries, and thirty chickpeas. I note that this represents a much larger chickpea-to-strawberry ratio than I was expecting.

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This vegetable paste looks like it is mostly made of carrot and smells like it is mostly made of strawberries. Unfortunately, in keeping with this pattern, it also tastes like it is mostly made of chickpeas, with an unpleasantly grainy texture and a weirdly sour aftertaste. Why is it sour? Is that the strawberries? Wasn’t the point of the strawberries to make it taste good? I think that the people on the Happy Farm need to rethink the ratios in their “yummy recipe.” Those chickpeas add a whopping one gram of protein, so I don’t know that we need thirty of them.

Still, this is at least edible, and once the shock wore off about the sourness, I was able to finish the pouch without grimacing too much. Two out of five stars.

BeechNut “Fruities” Have a Stupid Name

…but I guess they taste okay.

I went to Fred Meyer to stock up on baby food today since my stomach is back on the fritz. I threw a little bit of everything that was on sale into my cart and sorted it out once I got home. The BeechNut Fruities-on-the-Go Apple, Peach & Strawberry Puree looked the least objectionable, so I grabbed that one on the way to rehearsal.

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Additional name complaint: where is my Oxford comma?

It smells mostly like strawberries but with kind of a weird chemical after-scent. It looks like very thin applesauce with a tinge of Trumpian orange. Probably the peaches.

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On the whole, it’s pretty tasty. It is really more liquid than food, but I suppose that is rather the point. It is reminiscent of that strawberry applesauce that you used to be able to buy in the little cups (but which seems to no longer exist, much to my distress when I looked for it last week at two different grocery stores).

4.5 out of 5; would fruit again.

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…and then I got baby food on my pants. Damn it.