Just Plum(b) Gross and Earth’s Best Disappointment

Today on Rachel Reviews Baby Food, we have Plum Organics Hello Morning Pears & Quinoa.

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Hmm, I thought. I like pears and I like quinoa. Also, quinoa has protein! While I do think it’s presumptive of them to assume that I wish to say hello to my morning with baby food (I’d much rather say goodbye to morning all together and go back to sleep), this seemed like something that would be hard to screw up.

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This proved to be an erroneous assumption on my part. This stuff looks like wood glue and tastes like grainy Elmer’s paste mixed with a tiny bit of sugar. And it only has 1 gram of protein. 2 out of 5 stars.

Since I was still hungry, I tried something else. This time, Earth’s Best Pumpkin Cranberry Apple.

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First, I would like to point out the mostly-naked baby on the label reaching for a watering can. This seems like irresponsible parenting to me, because that baby gonna get tetanus.

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On the surface, this really seems like a winning flavor combination, but the operative word here is “seems.” I can taste neither pumpkin nor cranberries, only watery applesauce with an odd after taste that is something like celery. 2.5 out of 5 stars.

Grumpy Gerber Grumbles

Well, my stomach is on strike again, so that means it’s time for another episode of Rachel Reviews Baby Food. Today, we have Gerber Graduates Yogurt Melts.

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Which are, by the way, made with REAL yogurt and fruit. As opposed to fake yogurt and fruit, I suppose? I am unclear on how one might fake a yogurt. These snacks are evidently flagged for “crawlers,” so since I’ve been crawling for about 29 years, they must be safe to eat.

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Surprisingly, these are delicious. They taste like strawberry flavored air, with the consistency of Lucky Charms marshmallows.

Of course, then I looked at the ingredients more closely and discovered that they contain gelatin. Goddamnit. So for taste, I’d rate them at five out of five. For sneaky ingredients that are not vegetarian-friendly, I rate them zero out of five.

Okay, let’s try this again with a baby food that does NOT contain ground-up cow ligaments.

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Here we have Gerber Grabbers Apple and Sweet Potato (With Cinnamon). This food is for toddlers, so I am moving up in the world.

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It actually tastes pretty good, like someone mushed up a fork-full of sweet potato pie into my applesauce. Also, I feel like an astronaut, so that’s a plus. 4 out of 5 stars.

So I need to mention these cookies.

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These cookies are amazing. These cookies are delicious. If I saw your baby eating one of these cookies, I would steal that cookie right out of that baby’s fat little hand.

Unfortunately, although they are labeled as “easily-digestible,” my stomach (who is, as previously discussed, a complete asshole) did not agree with this assessment and protested my presumptuousness at eating solid food at work with horrifically painful stomach cramps. So feed these to your babies, not your gastroparesis patients.

More Beechnut, bitches! Bitchnut? No, Never Mind.

In today’s edition of Rachel Reviews Baby Food, we have two apple-based fruit mushes.

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First up, Apple, Berry & Black Bean. Man, this company really likes shoving beans into potentially weird combinations.

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This tastes quite a bit better than the Apple & Red Bean and is also slightly less grainy. Less protein, though. Three and three-quarters stars.

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Next, Apple & Aronia Berry. What the hell is an Aronia berry? (Apparently, they are black berries that look a bit like cherries, and they are also called chokeberries, which is a way more badass but way less marketable name.)

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This flavor is amazeballs. Tangy, delicious tastes of apple and mixed berries. Seriously, I would eat this stuff all day. Five stars.

Beechnut Baby Food Was at the Discount Grocery Store, Okay?

This afternoon on Rachel Reviews Baby Food, we are sampling two fruit-based spoon meats.

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First up, Apple & Red Bean. Although beans are usually my arch-nemesis, they’re typically fine when pureed, and these are pretty thoroughly pureed.

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Looks , smells, and tastes just like applesauce, but has an indescribable and subtly grainy texture, like someone snuck some chalk into my applesauce while I wasn’t looking. High in protein, though, so three stars.

Next, Pear & Black Cherry, which is surprisingly just as tasty as it sounds.

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Weirdly watery, though. It’s like eating fruit soup. Four stars.

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Rachel Reviews More Beechnut Baby Food

Today on Rachel Reviews Baby Food, we have two delightful varieties of disturbing soylent veggie.

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First up: Pear, Raspberry & Asparagus. Yes, asparagus. Why asparagus? Who thought, “Hey, you know what would make raspberries and pears taste better? Asparagus.” Who’s idea was this? Who the fuck knows. But I hate them.

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It smells like feet and tastes like pear-flavored water with the vague aftertaste of feet. One and three-quarters stars.

Next: Mango, Carrot, Strawberry & Chia.

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Whoa, guys. Slow down. That is a lot of things in one jar.

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This one smells quite pleasantly of mangoes, but it looks like vomit. Once you get past the whole eating vomit thing, though, it’s pretty tasty. Three and a half stars.

In Which Rachel Explains Her Predicament and Includes Her First Review

When my stomach revolts (due to my gastroparesis), I have to avoid solid foods throughout my work day, because let me tell you, crippling stomach cramps make it hard to concentrate on anything besides crippling stomach cramps. I do try to find pureed soups, but a lot of those contain heavy cream, which my stomach also isn’t always happy about.

News flash: my stomach is an asshole.

So my solution? Baby food. Baby food is relatively cheap, it contains the fruits and vegetables that I am often unable to eat in solid form, it is easily portable, and it is specifically formulated to be easy to digest.

Unfortunately, it also often tastes awful.

Allow me to guide you through the world of baby food.

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Here we have Beechnut Just Pineapple, Kale, Apple, and Carrot, an organic slurry of fruits and veggies. Looks and smells like applesauce pooped in by a pineapple.

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Tastes like watery applesauce, which is high praise for baby food. Three and a half stars.